Aaannd, we crashed

Well, we all knew that good streak couldn't last too much longer. I overslept, Jason was up all night with a migraine, school went an hour longer than usual, I spent all afternoon on the phone learning how to work a rife machine (boring), the girls trashed the kitchen playing Master Chef Junior while I was on the phone, as I was cleaning up that mess Jason told me an art friend was staying the night, I got mad at Jason for inviting the art friend since I had just finished hosting a different art friend and we have more company this weekend, Jason got mad at me for being mad at him, the girls were irritable with each other, Jason and I got into a "discussion" and so we were almost late for ballet, I didn't look Jason in the eye when we got home from ballet and then he left to go meet that friend for supper instead of having her stay the night, and now I'm here on the couch, pouting and licking my wounds and not feeling very forgiving-ish. But you know what, I have to forgive. I just do. It's what is right and certainly not easy, but not impossible. And I have to ask for forgiveness. Y'all, I HATE asking for forgiveness. I love to show it, to feel it, etc... but I DO NOT like to say the words. And that's an ugly truth about me. I should say it's one of the ugly truths about me because there are plenty to be found.

Silver linings: I did all my prep work for my tutor meeting tomorrow and I'm about to work on the new cleaning schedule. Those two things were weighing heavily on my mind and it feels good to put them behind me. Also, tomorrow is a new day; tomorrow is a fresh start.

I'm still enjoying our routine-y days. I'm slightly obsessing over them, actually.

Is this post to personal? Maybe. But I'm going to take a small guess that you all have had days like this and so you can relate, perhaps smile at my misery a little, and say a little prayer that tomorrow is the opposite of today.

Do I still have readers? If so, I would love to read a comment from you. It helps to know that I'm actually "talking" to someone.  (kudos to Mom for her commenting) :)

The need to breathe

Sometimes I'm so upset that I can't breathe. I feel like something is pressing down so hard on my chest that in a few seconds my lungs are going to burst.  I hate this feeling. Hate, hate, hate it. Go away! You know what's worse? Because of my past wrongs I don't feel like I can do or say anything to change the situation. It's like I've lost the right to stand up for myself. And I'm just drowning. It's like the more I do to change what I did that was wrong, the more "the wrong" comes at me like it's going to swallow me whole. It's scary.