Monday, March 10, 2014

It's just shameful

Two disclaimers:
1. I am too tired to put all these pictures at the bottom of the post which is where I really want them to be. 
2. I cannot find any recent pictures of Elaina to add to the mix. I am going to make a point to snap several of her this weekend and have a post just about her. 
I took Nora to the park one afternoon.

Valentine's Day Date

Dentist Appointment Date

Sometimes I just look at her face and marvel at the beauty. And also at the amount of food and snot smeared everywhere.

I mean, shameful. But it's been really relaxing to think about what what was going on in my daily life, but not think about it in a "posting" kind of way. Because, to be honest, I normally do that a lot. I walk around the house writing blog posts in my head. I fold laundry and write blog posts. I do dishes and write a killer post that would make you double over in laughter. And, also to be honest, I almost never write those posts. I did realize the other day that I could just get some sort of recording contraption but then, would my posts lose some of their organic-ness? I don't know.

Also, do I overuse commas?

I feel that I do.

There were a few things going on lately that I wanted to end before I got back to regular posting. And they have ended so I really have no excuse now. I quit working on a regular schedule. I get to just show up if I have a day that I want to work. That's pretty fun. Also, I changed my hair back to dark brown. And then I gave a sigh of relief. I've always liked my original hair color and it was fun to try something new and different but the fun ended rather quickly. My skin was a strange color with blonde hair.

So I'm back to looking like me and that's comforting. 

My boss came up to me the other day and asked me if I was happy. I said, "Do you mean working here or with life in general? Because I'm happy with both situations." And he said he meant in general. He said I didn't appear to be very happy. And that made me think. A lot. I truly feel happy so why don't I give off a happiness vibe? My mouth naturally turns down at the corners so if I'm just staring straight ahead, I probably do look a little disgruntled, but I'm not. Most likely, I'm thinking about something interesting I read the other day or what food I want to cook. I do feel tired, though. Not like a sleepy tired but a complete from-the-top-of-my-head-to-the-bottom-of-my-toes kind of exhausted. I start thinking about how many meals I have left to cook in my life time and how many loads of laundry are still before me and how much physical activity is required of me even just in the next few days. And I crave rest. But then, if I get the rest, I'm craving home and life with four active girls and a hungry husband and a jumping, chewing, most-adorable looking puppy. So it's like I'm floating in this middle ground of needing a break from life and yet wanting to be right in the thick of my life- both at the same time. I'm guessing it's pretty normal to feel this way when a person is in a situation similar to mine. I'm guessing all the seasoned moms would read this post and nod their heads and think to themselves, "Yup. Been there, my friend." At least, I hope that's what they would think. It gives me hope to think that's what they would think.  But I'm also determined to change my vibe, even just a little bit. I've started my very own happiness project. (I've really no idea what that book is about, I just assume it's about how to be happy.) There's really no steps to my happiness project. I'm just making an effort to appear happier. To smile more. To lift my eyebrows when listening to someone.  (Not in a creepy way.) To recount the good times. To stop and enjoy my kids more. That's the main thing I'm focusing on doing. I'm so bad to just focus on my cleaning and let them play their games. I don't necessarily jump in and play the dad or anything like that, but I do stop and watch for a minute. Smile at them. Give them a hug as they run by. This morning, I took about three minutes and rolled a ball back and forth down our hallway with Nora. She giggled until she almost made herself sick. It was beautiful. 
So, that's what I've been doing. 
That's where my thoughts have been. 
That's where my time and energy have been placed. 
What have you been up to?

This was the only photo I had the gumption to move to the bottom of the post. Peach was building a wooden game at Lowe's.


Anonymous said...

Good post.
Don't feel alone with the whole fatigue factor. And, admittely, a whole new sort of fatigue will come into play when the girls get old enough for their problems to become more of the emotional sort.
But hang in there. Rest is coming someday.

Debbi said...

you HAVE to be a mom, to get it! Bless your heart. you will never be rested again in your life...just thought I'd throw that in:) I've learned to smile and laugh on the outside (we own a store plus, no one cares why I'm not happy.ha) so...your lessons will work:) I don't know how many times I've smiled and laughed when I was "screaming" inside. oh well........God gives us the GRACE to trudge onward. Love you....hang in there:) on a side note...I've been really ugly and Ill I've not been gracious at all! so, it does not always work:))HA

Pearl said...

I really like this post. I'm glad you are where you are, and I'm thankful for your blessings, as well as my own. :)

nanny said...

Sleep and rest, two nice words. Kids and husband, two wonderful words. Loved your post. Totally understand. Still waiting on the slow down and rest time in my life, but do I really want it? I'm going to have to think on that one. (And I do hate getting up at 4 in the morning to fix breakfast).