Thursday, April 04, 2013


I have fears. I'm guessing everyone in this world does.
I have a fear of baths. (Not showers. I do like to be clean.)
I have a fear of leaving one of my children somewhere accidentally. That seems to always happen to parents at some point.
I have a fear of drowning. I won't go into the ocean past my ankle bones due to the undercurrent.
I have a fear of outliving any or all of my children.

But the thing about these fears is this: I find comfort that if/when any of that happens, God will give me the strength to handle it. (Even the bath thing. I've had to take a few baths in my adult life and I had to do some serious mental blocking and heavy breathing to get through it, but I did get through it.)

The fear that I have acquired as of late, it isn't allow itself to be tucked away. Everyday I think about it. Everyday I pray about it and try to find some peace. And I can't. I just can't. And I feel like it's somewhat of a silly and embarrassing fear.

I'm scared to grow old.

I'm not scared to get wrinkles. I'm not scared to have a bigger nose or bigger ears. I'm not sacred of gray hair because hair dye exists, and I'm not even scared to die. That doesn't bother me in the slightest. Even the thought of murder or a car accident doesn't truly bother me because I just think about how I'll be going somewhere so much better. But growing old? It just makes me sad. When I was younger, I just assumed that my mind would stay equal with my age and when I was old, I would think like an old person. But there was one day in college, when I was having a conversation with my great aunt, that old age came up and she remarked that sometimes she had to remind herself that she had an old body because in her mind, she felt the same as she did when she was in her twenties. I was shocked. It had never crossed my mind that that was a possibility. And I'm finding it to be true. My mind hasn't really changed at all as I've gotten older. Sure, I learn things and hopefully mature as the birthdays go by, but I don't feel any older than I did that day in college. My body is starting to show signs of breaking down. Just little things. Sore knees. Sore back. Sore shoulder. Can't jump up off the couch if I've been sitting there too long. Little things that some person that is actually old would laugh about. But they are all signs saying, "It's coming. It's coming."  *shudder*   I don't like it one bit.

But on a brighter note, I've yet to find a gray hair and for that I'm very grateful.


Anonymous said...

I fear the old age thing a littel bit too. And I fear my children getting older.
It was somewhat wistfully nostalgic to walk with Ashlie around the track near the baseball fields one evening this week and see the teams practicing...and then to think about how it once was us and will never be again.

JCrew Mama said...

No grey hairs yet? I have FOUR! It was quite a depressing day when I found them.

I concur with you about growing older. We can hold each others hand through it all. :)


The Bible says gray hairs are a crown of honor (provided the person has walked the strait and narrow.)

Debbi said...

it creeps up on ya:) not all at it's fine. I like being old better than young:) all the uncertain things are now certain and I'm way calmer now and, and....I like it! I do not like that my broken foot won't stop hurting even though it is supposedly healed...but other than that...I love having no memory and being the person who no longer has to accomplish everything;) God's timing is perfect and it all works out very well! I love having grandbabies and the older you get, the more you dwell on God and just a whole list of wonderful things happen and you will love it too:)