Somedays I'm just not the mother that I want to be.
Everyday I'm not the mother that I want to be but somedays seem to be worse than others. I finally started yelling tonight. It was the only way that Claire would stop talking and listen to me. I had to get so loud that she couldn't concentrate on what she wanted to say and therefore had to stop talking and was therefore forced to hear what I was saying.
But I hate yelling. Hate it. What a terrible example of how to handle a situation. I'm feeling a big humdrum tonight. Jason is gone until tomorrow and I did ok until this, the last day. And now I have put my children to bed on a terrible note. It was going so well at first. I read a Bible story and a chapter from Pooh and then I was singing to them which I don't do that often and then the phone rang. I've been letting the girls think that Jason is just getting home after they fall asleep and that he is gone to work before they get up. I didn't lie, I just didn't tell the truth. It saved quite a bit of drama. If Elaina knows that he is on a trip, EVERY NIGHT we have buckets of tears and drama, drama, drama. Jason talked to each of the girls tonight and he said to Elaina that he would see her tomorrow and oh my goodness. The tears began. And then Claire and Eily started screaming because they didn't want to hear Elaina crying and then Claire needed this and that and it just all fell apart.
And now the kitchen is a mess and there is food out and dirty dishes out BUT I got all the laundry finished today. That makes me feel a little better about myself. But only in the housewife sense, not the mother sense. Am I making sense?
Tomorrow is another day (Said in Scarlett Fashion) and I will do better. And the girls will do better because we are going to sit down and talk about what happened tonight. And we are going to keep working on habit training and finally, the best of all, Jason will be home and we will all be together again.
Oh yeah, and we are going to see the Aristocats play tomorrow night. I'm pretty excited about that. This will be the first play that I have ever taken the girls to see. I did take Elaina to see a ballet last summer but I don't think that's in the same category. Today she was wearing her pink tutu and her off-white brown and pink striped pantyhose and acting out that "very long ballerina thing we went to last time." I'm curious to see what they do in their playtime after seeing a play.
Claire studied a beetle yesterday and today I found her just sitting on the bench outside the front of the house. When I asked her what she was doing she replied, "I'm just watching the trees." I liked that answer. I'm excited to see her develop in her education. I've been reading all about outdoor time and I feel like Claire is a prime example of how children can observe if you just let them.
This is such a random post. I'm just typing as I think so there is no flow whatsoever to the sentences. Welcome to the way my brain works. It's sad. I know.