Friday, May 14, 2010

It skips around. A lot.

Somedays I'm just not the mother that I want to be.

Everyday I'm not the mother that I want to be but somedays seem to be worse than others. I finally started yelling tonight. It was the only way that Claire would stop talking and listen to me. I had to get so loud that she couldn't concentrate on what she wanted to say and therefore had to stop talking and was therefore forced to hear what I was saying.

But I hate yelling. Hate it. What a terrible example of how to handle a situation. I'm feeling a big humdrum tonight. Jason is gone until tomorrow and I did ok until this, the last day. And now I have put my children to bed on a terrible note. It was going so well at first. I read a Bible story and a chapter from Pooh and then I was singing to them which I don't do that often and then the phone rang.  I've been letting the girls think that Jason is just getting home after they fall asleep and that he is gone to work before they get up. I didn't lie, I just didn't tell the truth. It saved quite a bit of drama. If Elaina knows that he is on a trip, EVERY NIGHT we have buckets of tears and drama, drama, drama. Jason talked to each of the girls tonight and he said to Elaina that he would see her tomorrow and oh my goodness. The tears began. And then Claire and Eily started screaming because they didn't want to hear Elaina crying and then Claire needed this and that and it just all fell apart.

And now the kitchen is a mess and there is food out and dirty dishes out BUT I got all the laundry finished today. That makes me feel a little better about myself. But only in the housewife sense, not the mother sense. Am I making sense?

Tomorrow is another day (Said in Scarlett Fashion) and I will do better. And the girls will do better because we are going to sit down and talk about what happened tonight. And we are going to keep working on habit training and finally, the best of all, Jason will be home and we will all be together again.

Oh yeah, and we are going to see the Aristocats play tomorrow night. I'm pretty excited about that. This will be the first play that I have ever taken the girls to see. I did take Elaina to see a ballet last summer but I don't think that's in the same category.  Today she was wearing her pink tutu and her off-white brown and pink striped pantyhose and acting out that "very long ballerina thing we went to last time." I'm curious to see what they do in their playtime after seeing a play.

Claire studied a beetle yesterday and today I found her just sitting on the bench outside the front of the house. When I asked her what she was doing she replied, "I'm just watching the trees." I liked that answer. I'm excited to see her develop in her education. I've been reading all about outdoor time and I feel like Claire is a prime example of how children can observe if you just let them.

This is such a random post. I'm just typing as I think so there is no flow whatsoever to the sentences. Welcome to the way my brain works. It's sad. I know.

6 comments:

Chad & Bonny Day said...

I feel like a horrible mom everyday. Don't you hate it when your husband is away it's the worst.

Katie said...

I think the same way! And write the same way too.. Totally random.. But very interesting.. I understand about yelling.. I don't have my own kids but I do have to say I HATE having to yell at my 18 students! Man, they can make me so frustrated! You are a excellent mother! Also, I LOVE Claire's answer!! I do that sometimes too!

nanny said...

This is a great post. There is not a one of us that has not been in your shoes. You are a great mother and I am proud of the way you have turned out. Claire, I feel, is way beyond her years. I do believe she is going to surprise you one of these day with what she is going to be able to accomplish. Elaina, is your artist. She has a amazing ability to put on paper what she is seeing in her head. And, do a good job of it too. Eily, well, she is such a sweetheart. Don't know what she will do, but it will be serious with that look she has when she is taking it all in. You and Jason are doing a great job. Hang in there, even nights like you just had will pay off in the long run. Much love to you and your children.

nanny said...

p.s. And Jason too!!! ;)

Anonymous said...

I tried explaining about Josh to Eli only one time and he burst into tears. So, I just tell him that he went to work, which he did. He is just working for the government and not the school right now. I hate it when I get to the point of yelling or more so in my case, talking in a very, very mean voice. I hear that voice coming back to me out of Eli at times and it is very depressing. Rachel

Debbi said...

I have had MORE of those days than I like to remember. I asked the boys once if they had memories of those terrible times...they said "what terrible times?"
THANK GOD...for selective memory:)

That you feel bad is an evidence of the great mother that you are. Motherhood is so trying...especially with 3 different little personalities pulling you in every direction. And...Claire makes up for atleast 4 people:) Bless her heart...she is strong minded and focused on "her":) Gotta love kids.
Actually, your night was kinda normal in a nerve wrecking kinda way.
Hope today is a blessed day and have FUN at the play. Let me know how they like it.
I always say and I'll say again...you are a GREAT mom and I know you feel alone at times with Jason's work schedule. I had that same environment with bubba working a store from 7am-midnight when mine were toddlers. It was HARD and I longed for someone taller than my knee to talk too:) I was out of state and knew no one then.
You are doing a FANTASTIC JOB. If YOU thought so...you wouldn't be doing good at all:) Love you Bek!